


Love and Again

by cap_and_cyborg



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Fluff and Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:27:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22077700
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cap_and_cyborg/pseuds/cap_and_cyborg
Summary: When Raphael fell and became Crawley, he lost all memory of the angel Aziraphale.  The angels, thinking Aziraphale was distracted with the memories of Raphael, took them.  It wasn't until Crowley and Aziraphale were slated for execution that the memories were returned for one final torture.  But what if the angel and the demon chose their faces wisely and left with those memories intact?Basically, a kinda amnesia fic where Crowley and Aziraphale find out they loved each other before Crowley fell and what happens afterward.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 220





	Love and Again

_ Fingers carded through his long hair, trailing down his back and then pushing their way between the feathers of his wings. He shivered, overwhelmed by the feeling of love he could feel pulsing off his angel. _

_ His Aziraphale. _

_ Aziraphale lifted his head and looked up at his face. God, he was so beautiful. One of Her greatest creations, in his totally unbiased opinion. The stars he crafted had nothing on the sparkle in Aziraphale’s eyes. _

_ “Oh, sweetheart,” he said, his own aura of love swelling as he looked at his angel. “You’re glorious.” _

_ Aziraphale ducked his head, suddenly depriving him of the beauty of his face. That wouldn’t do. He lifted a hand and caressed Aziraphale’s cheek, slowly lifting him back into his eyesight. Aziraphale covered his hand with his own and turned his face into his palm, gently kissing it. _

_ Looking back at him, Aziraphale said, “I love you, Raph-” _

Crowley woke, heart pounding. What was the use of a demon having a heart, anyway? Damn thing was more of an accessory than anything. At least, that was what Crowley told himself.

He stared at the ceiling, trying to cling to the dream he had, but he could already feel details crumble through his memory. All he knew was that wasn’t the first time he’d had that dream, or ones similar, because the residual feelings of light and love that were fluttering around in his chest were achingly familiar.

For Go-, for Sata-, for  _ someone’s _ sake, this was ridiculous. He didn’t need to be chasing the memory of some dream specter. He had Aziraphale. 

Oh fuck.

_ Aziraphale _ .

Crowley leaped out of bed and skidded down the hall in search of his angel. It was the day after armageddon’t and while Crowley was as elated as he could be that the Earth wasn’t a pile of burning goo, he would feel even better if his angel could stay put for five bloody seconds.

He slid into the living room area, where, on a couch that was decidedly  _ not his _ , Aziraphale sat with a book and a cup of tea.

“Oh, good morning, Crowley! I was wondering when you’d be up,” Aziraphale said, looking up at him and smiling.

Crowley felt a twinge as he looked down at Aziraphale, like his mind was trying to remember something important, but the memory wasn’t there.

“You could have woken me, angel,” he said, running a hand down then back up his face, through his short hair. Another twinge. 

Aziraphale’s face sobered as he rose. “It’s going to be a big day, Crowley. I wanted you to be as rested as you could be.”

“Right.”

They had made their plan on the bus ride to London.  _ Choofe your faces wisely _ . But it was a very different thing to have a plan and to carry out said plan.

“Well… shall we?” Aziraphale said, holding out a hand.

Crowley took it, forcing himself not to show any emotion. It was as impersonal as a bloody handshake, for fuck’s sake. He felt his appearance change and retracted his hand, pretending the tingling he felt was from the transformation.

It was odder than he had expected to look at Aziraphale, see Aziraphale’s mannerisms, but have them come from his body. He found himself straightening his shoulders and clasping his hands over his belly.

Aziraphale looked at him and Crowley could tell he was feeling the same dissonance as he was.

“Strange,” was all he said.

“I’ll head to the bookshop. See if Adam set it right,” Crowley said, startling momentarily at Aziraphale’s voice coming from his mouth.

Aziraphale nodded. “I’ll go to your apartment, then. Meet you at the park afterward.”

Crowley nodded. He didn’t want Aziraphale to leave. He had the feeling that something big, something possibly horrible would happen if they walked out the door.

Aziraphale turned to go. 

“Be safe, angel.” The words left Crowley’s mouth before he could stop them.

Aziraphale turned, and even though it was Crowley’s eyes looking at Crowley, he could see his angel underneath. But then Aziraphale slouched and smirked at him, putting on a pair of sunglasses he pulled out of his pocket. He was good, Crowley had to admit.

“You too,  _ angel _ ,” he said.

Before Crowley could even compute what had happened, Aziraphale in Crowley’s form was out the door.

_ What in someone’s name was that?! _

* * *

It was harder than Crowley had expected to let himself get dragged away from Aziraphale, to pretend to be scared and helpless against the angels pulling him along. He almost broke character when Hastur leaned over Aziraphale’s unconscious body. He only could control himself because he knew that keeping in character was the one thing that would keep Aziraphale safe in the long run.

It was harder once they got to Heaven, though. Mostly because he had forgotten how much of a prick Gabriel was. 

“I’m the archangel fucking Gabriel,” he said and Crowley was ready to punch his teeth in.

“Now, we’re going to destroy you, there’s no getting around that. But our new partnership downstairs gave us an idea of what to do beforehand. Turns out, demons are good at torture. I mean, what’s new, they’re demons. But this is particularly diabolical, even for them.”

Crowley forced himself to remain calm. He didn’t know what they were going to do to him, but he didn’t really care about himself right now. Whatever they did to him, his demonic counterparts could be doing to Aziraphale in Hell right now.

_ Let him be safe _ , he thought. He didn’t care who was listening. He just needed someone to look after his angel. He got the feeling he might not be able to soon.

Gabriel reached into a box Uriel was holding and pulled out a ball of gold light. It floated in the palm of Gabriel’s hand.

“Do you know what this is?” he asked.

Crowley slowly shook his head.

“These are all the memories you had of the angel Raphael,” Gabriel said and there it was again, that stupid twinge in Crowley’s brain. He made Aziraphale’s face look open and curious. “We took them out of you after he fell. They made you too distracted. Distraught, even. It wasn’t a good look on you.”

“I don’t know who Raphael is,” Crowley said, Aziraphale’s voice quavering.

Gabriel, Uriel, and Sandalphan laughed.

“Oh, Aziraphale,” Gabriel said, leaning in, the ball of light still floating between his hands. “He’s the angel who loved you.”

And he thrust the ball of light into Crowley’s face.

Crowley  _ screamed _ .

* * *

  
  


_ Red hair filled his vision. But it wasn’t just red. It was copper and auburn and ruby and flames come to life.  _

_ “Raphael?” he asked, “I’m Aziraphale, a principality. I wanted to give you my regards on…” _

_ He trailed off as Raphael turned to him because God, She had done amazing work when she had created him. Yellow eyes like warm pools of gold appraised Aziraphale, but he didn’t feel judged by the gaze. _

_ “Aziraphale, you said?” Raphael asked. _

_ Unable to do more, Aziraphale nodded. _

_ “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Raphael said, reaching out with a wing to brush against Aziraphale’s. It was a gesture that Aziraphale had participated in hundreds of times, but never before had he been so aware of another angel’s graze of feathers against his own. _

_ “And you, as well,” he said, his voice coming out quieter than he’d like. _

_ Raphael smiled at him. “I hope She deems to make us cross paths again, Aziraphale. I’d like to know you more.” _

_ “A-and you, as well,” Aziraphale said again, then immediately regretted the words. The archangel would think him a simpleton. _

_ But instead of laughing at him, Raphael’s smile turning into a full beam of joy. God, he was stunning. _

_ “Until next time,” he said, wings unfurling and he flew into the sky. _

* * *

  
  


_ Aziraphale pushed his fingers through those long, flaming locks, reveling in the act. He still had a hard time believing he was able to do this. He had a hard time believing that God allowed beings to be so happy. He felt he could burst with it. _

_ He looked up at Raphael and was struck by how beautiful he was. The stars Raphael made took after their creator. He was radiant. _

_ “Oh, sweetheart,” Raphael said. “You’re glorious.” _

_ Aziraphale was suddenly overwhelmed by the amount of love exuding from Raphael. He looked down, feeling suddenly shy in the wake of such emotion. Raphael’s hand cupped his cheek and gently pulled his face back up, so that their eyes could meet. Aziraphale could see stars in Raphael’s eyes, bright lights directed exactly at him. He turned his head and kissed the hand against his cheek. _

_ “I love you, Raphael. More than the oceans are deep and the skies are vast,” Aziraphale said. _

_ “Oh, my dear angel. I love you so. Every star I create pales in comparison to your beauty,” Raphael replied. _

_ “God…” Aziraphale said. “You can’t just  _ say _ things like that.”  _

_ He went up on tiptoe and pressed his lips against Raphael’s. His fingers were back in Raphael’s hair and his wings had come up to encircle the both of them, cocooning Raphael in a physical display of his love. Raphael met him kiss for kiss, touch for touch.  _

_ “How can someone be this happy? How did She allow it?” Raphael asked after they pulled minutely away.  _

_ “I know, I can barely stand it,” Aziraphale replied, tucking his head into the crook of Raphael’s neck. “Best not to ask.” _

* * *

  
  


_ He was gone. Aziraphale watched as firey comets streaked down and away from Heaven. Aziraphale’s love continued to burn as bright as the flaming sword in his hand. But Raphael was gone. _

_ Gone. _

* * *

  
  


_ “Honestly, Aziraphale, we’re doing you a favor. This way, you can go back to serving Her and not be distracted from your work.” _

_ “I understand that. I do. But if you just gave me some time-” _

_ “Time is up. She needs you on Earth, guarding Eden, and you can’t do that if you’re caught up on some fallen angel,” Gabriel said.  _

_ “Please, the memories, they’re all I have of him, if you take them, I won’t have anything left!” Aziraphale begged. _

_ “I’m sorry, Aziraphale. This must be done.” Gabriel’s hand came towards his face and then everything went black. _

* * *

  
  


Crowley gasped as he came back to himself. He didn’t need to breathe but his chest heaved as he tried to understand all that he had just seen. Countless memories of Aziraphale’s, all of an angel named Raphael.

That had been him.  _ Him _ , Crowley, before the fall.  _ Raphael. His name had been Raphael. _

_ Aziraphale had loved him. _

His angel. Then and now.

“Don’t get this view down in the basement,” Crowley heard and he forced his eyes open because he knew that voice, but what was a lower demon doing  _ here _ ?

Crowley watched, being sure to keep his expression as open and trusting as he could, trying to keep his cover to keep his angel safe. As Hellfire billowed up and up and up to the ceiling, though, he had to take a moment to thank  _ someone _ that he was here and Aziraphale was elsewhere. This, he could survive. The residual feeling of love in his chest might kill him though.

“I don’t suppose I can persuade you to reconsider?” he asked lightly. Some of his anger flared at the idea that Aziraphale was supposed to be here, was supposed to be the one stepping into the flames and he snapped, “We’re meant to be the good guys, for Heaven’s sake.”

“Well, for Heaven’s sake, we are meant to make examples out of traitors. So… into the flame.”

_ Be Aziraphale. Don’t give it away. Don’t punch his teeth in. Keep him safe _ , Crowley chanted as he approached the flames, trying control himself.

“Right… Well, lovely knowing you all. May we meet on a better occasion,” he said, forcing himself to be nice, forcing himself to smile.

“Shut your stupid mouth and die already,” Gabriel replied, then plastered on the fakest smile Crowley had seen on any face; angel, demon, or otherwise.

Crowley couldn’t keep the contempt off his face as he stepped into the flame. He immediately felt the kind of warmth only hellfire could give a demon. He sighed, letting go of the tension he had been holding in his neck. Then he opened his eyes and smirked at the flabbergasted angels standing before him.

He roared, letting all the anger inside him out in a blast of Hellfire. At the angels’ taking away Aziraphale’s memories for his own good. At them trying to end Aziraphale’s existence. At the way they treated his angel, like he was lesser than them, when in reality, he was so much more.

They were lucky they fell back in shock. He was ready to burn them out of existence.

He stepped out of the flames and forced himself not to laugh as the angels took another step back. “Well,” he said, trying to be Aziraphale with a cheerful, unaffected air as he spoke, “if that is all, I’ll be off. I would prefer to keep all communication to a minimum from now on. You understand. Toodle pip.”

They made no move to stop him as he turned his back and walked out of Heaven. He descended the escalator back to Earth and waited in the lobby for Aziraphale to come up from Hell. Crowley didn’t even consider the fact that he wouldn’t. Not after everything. Not with what he knew now of their past before Crowley had fallen.

Would that complicate things now? Crowley loved Aziraphale then and now, so nothing had really changed for him, but for Aziraphale? Crowley didn’t even know if Aziraphale loved him. Would this just make things weird between the two of them? Should he just go?

God, so many questions. No wonder She cast him out of Heaven.

“Angel!” 

Crowley turned to see Aziraphale in his form careening his way towards him. (Is that how he looks when he runs? He never did it often enough to know.) Aziraphale didn’t stop when he reached him, he just grabbed his hand and pulled him into motion as well. 

“You alright?” Crowley asked, trying to look him over for injuries.

“Fine, fine, just want to get as far away from that place as possible,” Aziraphale said.

He didn’t stop pulling Crowley along until they were in St. James Park, just two people amongst everyone else and the ducks. Aziraphale stopped and Crowley went to sit on the bench, but he was suddenly engulfed in the angel’s arms.

“Oh,  _ Crowley _ . I had no idea. Well, obviously, I didn’t, but oh my  _ dear _ -” He squeezed him tighter to his body and Crowley could barely stand it because he was so confused.

“Angel, what happened?”  _ Did they show you my memories? Do you know that I loved you? Do you know that I still do? _

Aziraphale pulled back and picked at the cuffs of Crowley’s sleeves. “They showed me- I saw- well, it would be easier to just show you,” he stuttered, holding out his hand.

Crowley only hesitated a moment before he took it, feeling not just his form change, but memories transfer over as well. He let go of the ones he had seen and heard Aziraphale gasp as reality faded and the memories took over.

* * *

  
  


_ Raphael felt someone’s presence close to him, but didn’t turn, instead staring up at the sky. “Raphael? I’m Aziraphale, a principality. I wanted to give you my regards on…” _

_ The voice was new and Raphael turned to see a blond,  _ beautiful _ angel standing there. He looked him over, taking in every glorious detail of him.  _

_ “Aziraphale, you said?” he asked, wanting to commit the name to memory along with the rest of him. _

_ The angel nodded, his blond curls bobbing with the movement.  _

_ “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance,” Raphael said, brushing a wing against Aziraphale’s. He reveled in the feeling of his feathers against the other angel’s. They were soft and as radiant as the rest of him. The stars Crowley carefully crafted were nothing compared to Aziraphale. _

_ “And you, as well,” Aziraphale said, his voice as soft as his wings. _

_ Raphael felt his mouth turn up into a smile, unable to keep his pleasure inside himself. “I hope She deems to make us cross paths again, Aziraphale. I’d like to know you more.” _

_ “A-and you, as well,” the other angel said. _

_ God, he was simultaneously adorable and mesmerizing. Raphael felt his grin grow and did nothing to stop it. _

_ He didn’t want to leave, but he had work to do up amongst the stars. _

_ “Until next time,” he said, committing the angel’s face and name,  _ Aziraphale _ , to mind as he spread his wings and flew off towards his creations. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


_ Fingers carded through his long hair, trailing down his back and then pushing their way between the feathers of his wings. He shivered, overwhelmed by the feeling of love he could feel pulsing off his angel. _

_ His Aziraphale. _

_ Aziraphale lifted his head and looked up at his face. God, he was so beautiful. One of Her greatest creations, in his totally unbiased opinion. The stars he crafted had nothing on the sparkle in Aziraphale’s eyes. _

_ “Oh, sweetheart,” he said, his own aura of love swelling as he looked at his angel. “You’re glorious.” _

_ Aziraphale ducked his head, suddenly depriving him of the beauty of his face. That wouldn’t do. He lifted a hand and caressed Aziraphale’s cheek, slowly lifting him back into his eyesight. Aziraphale covered his hand with his own and turned his face into his palm, gently kissing it. _

_ Looking back at him, Aziraphale said, “I love you, Raphael. More than the oceans are deep and the skies are vast.” _

_ “Oh, my dear angel. I love you so. Every star I create pales in comparison to your beauty,” Raphael replied. It was true. It seemed that he couldn’t encapsulate Aziraphale’s glory in one of his creations. He had tried and every time, he failed. _

_ “God…” Aziraphale said. “You can’t just  _ say _ things like that.”  _

_ He leaned up and kissed Raphael. Raphael reveled in the feel of his lips against his own, his hands in his hair, his wings around him. Every kiss and caress Raphael returned. His hands tingled with every touch. _

_ “How can someone be this happy? How did She allow it?” Raphael asked into the small space between them. He couldn’t believe the vast emotions emanating off of his angel. _

_ “I know, I can barely stand it,” Aziraphale replied as he tucked his head into the crook of Raphael’s neck. Raphael’s hair was trapped between Aziraphale’s cheek and his neck, but he made no motion to move him, just silently miracled his hair slightly longer to allow the movement without discomfort. “Best not to ask.” _

_ Easier said than done when there were so many questions reverberating around Raphael’s head. _

  
  


* * *

  
  


_ He was burning. Every cell of his form was on fire and the trail of smoke following him told him that the fire was consuming the outside of him as well. _

_ His last thought before he met with a pool of boiling sulfur was, “God, spare my love. Spare Aziraphale.” _

_ He emerged from the pool, surrounded by fellow fallen ones, wings black, eyes slitted. He didn’t know who he had been. He was that angel no more. _

_ The one that would be known as Crawley lost all memory of who he had been and in doing so, lost all that he knew of the angel known as Aziraphale. _

_ Until now. _

* * *

  
  


Crowley gasped as he came out of his trance, even though he had been expecting the memories this time. His eyes were closed but he didn’t open them just yet. He was overwhelmed with all the memories that were running around his head now. It had been one thing to see them from Aziraphale’s point of view, but to see them from his, or at least, Raphael’s perspective… It was almost too much for him to bear. He had loved Aziraphale for so long, to feel his love, even though it was directed at his past self, was both wonderful and painful.

He opened his eyes to see Aziraphale looking at him with tears in his eyes. His expression was so soft that Crowley could barely stand it.

“I’m not him!” he burst out. “I’m not- I’m not Raphael. Not anymore.”

Aziraphale’s brow creased as he stared at him. 

“I mean, I know you were in love with him. Raphael. I saw that. Felt it. But I’m not him. So please, don’t start to feel something for me now that you remember, just because of retroactive emotions. I couldn’t bear it, angel. I might love you now but I don’t expect you to suddenly start to feel the same way just because of some emotions you had over 6,000 years ago. I have enough self-respect to know that’s not good-”

“You love me?” Aziraphale demanded.

Wot.

“Wot?” Crowley’s eyes widened as he stared at the angel, then quickly turned his attention to the ground.

He hadn’t meant to let that slip.

“Crowley. Please, dear. Look at me,” Aziraphale requested.

Crowley shook his head, eyes closed behind his sunglasses. Maybe if he just didn’t look at Aziraphale, he would just eventually go away. 

No such luck.

“My dear demon, just because I found out that you have fallen in love with me twice, does not mean that I will suddenly cast you aside. It would be highly hypocritical of me, seeing as I have done the same.”

At that, Crowley’s head snapped up. Had he just heard that right?

“I don’t- I… Angel. Please, say that clearly. I need to hear you say it,” Crowley begged.

“I love you, Crowley.  _ You _ . The demon. The snake. The celestial being who has been by my side for 6,000 years. My mirror. My equal.” He oh so gently held one of Crowley’s hands in his own, like Crowley was something delicate and precious he treasured. Wait. “I love you with every ounce of my being.”

How was Crowley supposed to hear that without crying? He was blubbering like a baby, unable to help the warmth that he felt blooming throughout his whole body. It was like stepping into Hellfire, without the edge of pain.

“I- I love you, Aziraphale. You-,” He ripped off his glasses with his free hand and wiped his eyes with the back of it, unable to stop the tears as they kept coming. “Fuck, angel, you’re  _ everything _ .”

“Oh,  _ Crowley _ ,” Aziraphale said, tears running down his face even as he beamed at Crowley.

Once again, Crowley found himself in his angel’s embrace. 

“Fuck it,” Crowley murmured, snapping his fingers and stopping time. He unfurled his wings and curled them around Aziraphale, because dammit, he deserved to feel the same cocoon of warmth and love surrounding him that Crowley had in his memory.

Aziraphale shuddered but reflected the gesture, his wings materializing and wrapping around Crowley.

“My dear demon,” Aziraphale whispered, “may I kiss you?”

Ngk.

Suddenly unable to speak, Crowley just nodded his head repeatedly. 

Aziraphale seemed to steel himself and then turned his face up to Crowley. He placed his hands over Crowley’s jaw, gently moving his head. Crowley didn’t resist. He didn’t think he ever would.

“I love you,” Aziraphale said and leaned in and kissed Crowley’s forehead. “I love you,” he said and kissed Crowley’s cheek. “I love you,” he said, kissing the tip of Crowley’s nose. “I love you,” he said, leaning over and kissing Crowley’s other cheek. He paused, making direct eye contact with Crowley, who at this point was a puddle of goo and love, and said, “I love you, my dear demon.”

And he leaned in and kissed Crowley on the lips.

It was just a soft brush of flesh against flesh at first, gentle touchings that were there and then gone again. Then Crowley lifted a hand and put it on Aziraphale’s cheek, caressing it. That seemed to set something off in Aziraphale, as he wrapped his arms around Crowley’s waist and pulled him into his body. The kiss became more present, deeper, as Crowley met him touch for touch, kiss for kiss.

It was overwhelming. It was devastating. It was glorious.

It felt like coming home. 

**Author's Note:**

> First Good Omens fanfic! I wrote this as a Christmas gift for my friend Nerdist, but had wanted to write for a while anyway. Find me on tumblr at sauntering-downwardsss


End file.
